Cicone Prince: It's Not What You Do, It's Why You Do It

“How am I supposed to know?” That’s the answer that most people will give you when you ask them, “Why did you do that?” Some are quick to start pointing the finger at someone from their past or blame a situation that happens to them. But few of them will go beyond that and look at their responsibility in the situation. Now, even as I type this, I can hear the anger welling up inside of you about the injustices that have found their way into your life. I’ll be the first to say that the wrong done to you was not right. And most of the time, it’s not your fault, but the reality is we have to live in the wake and aftermath of life’s tests and trials. How we respond to them is what determines the type of present and future we will live in.

Have you ever looked at yourself and questioned why you do something? This journey of self-discovery for me started back when I was in college in Atlanta, Georgia. I had dated several women while in college when I noticed a pattern of how the relationship would end. I figured that 80% of the time, the relationship was ended by the female.

I started looking into my past to see if there was any logical reason why I was so unwilling to “Let Go” of a relationship. And I wasn’t going to just accept the answer, “Well, that’s just the way it is!” not even from myself. So I was careful about the relationships that went into shaping who I was. I looked at the relationships with my parents and grandparents, and I started there. I determined that the one that had the biggest impact on me was the relationship with my Mom.

Now, I want the record to show that I never in my life questioned if my Mom loved me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would do anything for me. So her love was never an issue. What was the issue, was it the expression of it? Being a person that wanted and needed to feel loved, knowing I was loved wasn’t enough. I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel appreciated and not just when I did something good. I wanted unconditional love, and I wanted it from my Mother.

Now, please don’t think that I’m blaming her, because I’m not. As I have matured, I realized that we could only give what we have ourselves. If we have closed ourselves off from others to keep from getting hurt, then those walls that we build to keep hurt out also keeps us locked in, and there is no place for sharing even our own love with others. So understanding that really painted my Mother in a different light and I truly forgave her and sought to help her out of that self-imposed prison that she had built for herself. I had to then make sure that I didn’t repeat the cycle in my own life and the lives of my children.

Ok, I’ve talked enough about what went into making me, let’s turn the mirror around so you can have a look. So many of us never answer the question, “Why did you do that?” For many, it never crosses our mind. Your homework is the begin questioning not what you do, but why did you do it? Start looking for a trigger that set you down a not so pleasant path or causes you to have a “Pre-programmed” response. If you are honest and thorough, you will discover something new about yourself that you can then create an antidote for if it doesn’t serve you. But I must warn you, once you start, you’ll have a lifetime of work ahead of you, but the end results will be someone who can help others better examine themselves and make the world a better place.

It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it…